Soul Reapers: Bite Sized Stories
by FlourTheCat
Summary: Yet another drabble series based on the Soul Reapers of Bleach.  Rated T for safety, mostly humorous entries.
1. Get Off My Lawn

I know, you're probably thinking, "Another drabble series?" and I don't blame you. But, as long as the content is different, that's the point, right? I will say it now, don't expect a consistent update rate, don't expect romance, either. One more thing though, if you have read my other stories, you may know that I do not use curse words. If you wish to replace the words with stronger versions, by all means.

* * *

Characters: Soifon, Kiko-oh, Suzumebachi, Unnamed Minor Characters

Warnings: None

Setting: During the Beast Swords Arc.

Genre: Humor

Disclaimer: Bleach belongs to Tite Kubo, who is not me.

* * *

It was an almost peaceful day in the Seireitei-especially for a city in the midst of a war, and a Zanpakuto crisis. However, the city seems to have forgotten about the Zanpakuto that is rumored to have the destructive power of 1,000,000 Zanpakuto. Considering how Ukitake Jushiro and Kyoraku Shunsui destroyed it, how can you blame them, though?

"Shut up you Goddang bird!" An irritated Soifon yelled to the fiery mass high above the Sokyoku Hill; she was clearly at the end of her patience.

The Kiko-oh simply reared its head back, and let out another shrill cry while giving a few flaps of its fiery wings. Soifon growled, then turned to the group of Kido Corps members trying to redo the seals on the Kiko-oh. "Can't you do anything?" She snapped at the group.

One of the members decided to speak up, albeit nervously. "W-well," he stuttered, "maybe if we knew what…" He faded away under her fierce glare.

"How exactly would we figure _that_ out?"

"Easy!" Suddenly, with an exclamation, Suzumebachi's newly created physical form was in front of Soifon. "With the two of us being Zanpakuto spirits, I easily understand his words! He's so upset because his territory has been ravaged with fights as of late!"

Soifon just fixed her glare onto her Zanpakuto, but Suzumebachi recognized it at Soifon's own version of confusion. In the background, the Kiko-oh gave a short, but still shrill, cry, as if in agreement.

"Well, think about it." The small Zanpakuto spirit continued. "First there was that fight between that Ichigo kid and Captain Kuchiki, then the Bounts attacked the hill, and should I even mention that this rebellion started on this hill?"

Soifon's eye simply twitched, as she spit out the two words she always tells someone when she knows they are right, but refuses to admit it.

"Go away."

* * *

Alright, that wasn't tooooo bad, was it? Anyways, before someone attempts to correct me, I know that Soifon is now officially Sui-Feng, but I believe the majority of Bleach fans reject the change. However, if you wish for me to change to using Sui-Feng, then I shall. Also, I know that 'drabbles' are exactly one hundred words.


	2. The Forth Wall

Characters: Ichigo, Renji, Urahara, Tessai

Warnings: None

Setting: After the Soul Society Arc

Genre: Humor

Notes: So what if Ichigo's only a substitute, and Tessai and Urahara's exiled?

Disclaimer: Bleach belongs to Tite Kubo, who is not me.

* * *

It was a relatively normal day at the Urahara Shoten. Renji, after doing a lot of chores, finally was allowed to relax, and was making the best of it by reading a human magazine. Ichigo, wanted to escape his dad-although now that he thought about it, Urahara wasn't much better-was also there simply for the heck of it. A question recently popped up in his head, so he decided to bother Renji with it.

"Hey Renji?"

"What?" Renji sounded either bored, disinterested, or a mixture of both.

"Did you ever notice that we speak English, yet our Zanpakuto are Japanese, and we are currently in Japan? Not to mention all the kanji? It's like we speak English, yet everything else is Japanese."

Renji still wasn't really paying attention, so he simply answered just so Ichigo would not freak. "No, not really, but, so?"

"It's just kinda…strange."

"That's because we originally _spoke _Japanese too!"

Ichigo mentally groaned; he wanted to ask Renji a question, but forgot to check if Urahara was in the area first. Renji, however, finally had his attention grabbed by this statement. After all, while he may not be the smartest Soul Reaper out there, he definitely knew what language he spoke since he was born. "What are you talking about? I'm pretty sure I never spoke Japanese."

"Of course you wouldn't!" Urahara proclaimed triumphantly, as if that simple sentence explained everything.

Ichigo and Renji simply stared at Urahara, looked at each other, then returned to looking at Urahara.

"You see, it's as if we are simply on a stage for all to see. A concept known to some as 'the fourth wall.'"

"The fourth wall is a literary concept, what the heck are you talking about?" It was Ichigo who spoke, as Renji, lacking education in many concepts humans found important to teach to their young, was lost.

"Exactly!" Urahara spun around, and faced the door which he came in. Renji and Ichigo looked at each other again. Their expressions turned a slight bit nervous as Urahara spoke the next words. "Oh Tessssssaaaaiiiiii!"

Tessai flash stepped into the room, carrying the feared object known as Rukia's notebook. As expected, it already had bunny-shapes on the page it was flipped to.

"Did Rukia draw that?" Renji asked with a sweat drop.

Urahara ignored him, and pointed to the notebook, where the page was spilt in half. Along the line were the words "the fourth wall," on the left side there was a bunch of bunny-shapes with the words "human audience," while on the left side, there were more bunny-shapes on the right-including a red haired and an orange haired one, which Ichigo and Renji simultaneously hoped was not them-that has the word "us."

"You see," Urahara began, about to start one of his speeches. Ichigo and Renji hoped it would not last to long, as they were both tired of this. "We are not real. We are simply figments of a great creators imagination. It just so happens that while we were written in Japanese, we became popular in English speaking countries, and as such, were translated into English. We just so happen to be the English versions."

Ichigo and Renji gave him a total "What the heck?" look, before turning around and crossing their arms at the same time.

"Like heck I'd believe that."

"But it's true!"

"Prove it."

"I will!"

"Oh god."


	3. True Drabble

Characters: Sasakibe, Yamamoto

Warnings: None

Setting: Nonessential

Genre: Humor

Notes: A true drabble! If you start counting after the break, you will count 100 words! In fact, when I got the idea, I wanted to make it a drabble, and typing it up yielded 101 words. Bet you can't find where the offending word was omitted.

Disclaimer: Bleach belongs to Tite Kubo.

* * *

Sasakibe walked into his captain's office, and held up a picture. Yamamoto had not a clue what it was, but by subtly analyzing Sasakibe's spiritual pressure, he could tell his lieutenant was proud of it.

"I have finished it, sir." Proud or not, Sasakibe's voice remained monotone and respectful, as always.

Yamamoto grunted. "Is that why we are behind on paperwork?"

Sasakibe's blank face twisted into a small frown, as he moved the picture to his side. "We are behind? I will get right on that, sir." With that, Sasakibe turned, and left the room.

"Sasakibe… It was a joke…"


	4. Help Us All

Characters: Zaraki, Aizen, and ?

Genre: Humor, Suspense

Warnings: Spoilers for those very early into the series.

Notes: It's in first person this time! Wait 'til the end to see who the mystery character is.

Disclaimer: Bleach is not owned by me.

* * *

I couldn't believe it. One of our most powerful captains… Was so easily turned against us. It started out as a simple day, I woke up, joyful, as for once I did not have a nightmare. As I walked through the squad, I noticed a significant lower number of patients. My captain seemed to have noticed this too, as she walked up to me and said, "There are so few patients today, please take the day off."

Normally, I would insist to help my captain, but with a combination of forces, some that even I cannot identify, I did not. I simply gave a nervous smile, and left the division. As I walked the oh-so-familiar path to see my sister, I accidentally took the wrong road. Now that I dwell on it, I noticed, yet, I did not turn around. It was as if some magical force was guiding me that way.

Anyways, as I kept on my specific course whose path escaped my knowledge, I stumbled onto a secret meeting. A meeting between the Traitor Aizen, and the respectable if not blood-thirsty Captain Zaraki. All my logical senses were telling me to run, yet, I found I could not. Their conversation was horrific, as I listened.

"Captain Zaraki," Traitor Aizen spoke, using that voice lathered with arrogance, but willing to listen, "I have a proposition for you."

As expected, Zaraki was ready for a battle, thrilled at the thought of facing the one who so easily batted Ichigo away. However, as even brainless Trolls can be bargained with, Zaraki paused. "Hrm?"

"You are aware how you always challenge the other Captains, yet they turn you down?"

"Wha' of it?"

"If you would join me, they would be oh-so-willing to fight you in battle."

It was at this point a gasp escaped my throat, but surprisingly, neither one turned. Instead, to my horror, Zaraki's menacing smile grew. Aizen's smirk joined in.

"As your first assignment, please take out our pesky eavesdropper."

I felt my eyes widen. So they did know I was here! I hadn't a chance to move, which is how I find myself in my current position. Laying on the floor bloody, and numb to the pain. Zaraki was approaching, and he placed his Zanpakuto over his shoulder. He started laughing manically, and I could faintly hear Aizen's own chuckling in the background. As I stared shocked, Zaraki's laugh and appearance became distorted, and he suddenly started transforming into a… a… huge… squishy…

"FISHCAKE!" The horrid word ripped from my mouth like venom, as the blood surrounded me like a blanket as I shot up. My eyes were screwed shut, trying to block out the image of the Zaraki-fishcake, until I realized that nothing was happening. One eye fluttered open, and I was shocked to find myself in my room, with the blood blanket just being a regular blanket.

I gave a sigh of relief, and began pacing the room. I wasn't sure which was worse, the chance that Captain Zaraki may so easily join the Traitor Aizen, or the horror of meeting a real life Zaraki-fishcake.

* * *

Seriously though, isn't Zaraki joining Aizen so easily a scary though?


	5. Worst Punishment

Characters: Yamamoto, Toshiro, Captains

Warnings: None

Setting: Pre-Bleach

Genre: Humor

I don't know if the idea's been used before, but if it has, I apologize to whoever thought of it.

Disclaimer: Bleach belongs to Tite Kubo, who is not me.

* * *

"Captain Hitsugaya…!" Yamamoto's gruff voice called out to the youngest captain aligned. Said captain took a couple steps out, and turned to the Head Captain. He had been through the same procedure several times.

"Explain to me why you have frozen your barracks once again!"

Toshiro gave the same response he did every time. "Rangiku was bothering me."

Once again, Yamamoto gave his exact response. Shunsui even shook his head in amusement. "That is not an acceptable answer! Rebuild your barracks!"

"Yes, sir." Once again, same response. However, Yamamoto tacked something new onto the déjà vu filled conversation.

"And if it happens again, you will face a punishment from your worst nightmares!"

Toshiro was slightly shocked, and he knew that the Head Captain was not bluffing. However, that did not stop the same incident happening again not even two months later.

"Captain Hitsugaya." The Head Captain's tone was deadly. "I have warned you."

Toshiro was nervous. He wasn't letting it show-too much-but he was.

"Captain Hitsugaya…" Yamamoto spoke again, pausing for dramatic effect. Toshiro noticed the expressions of some of the captains.

Aizen looked disappointed.

Gin's grin widened.

Shunsui tipped his hat down, but looked amused.

Komamura was listening intently.

Mayuri and Zaraki were staring each other down, oblivious.

Ukitake looked worried.

"GO SIT IN THE CORNER!"


End file.
